Hey Mom and Dad, I Betch Ya Never Heard This Story!

I am getting tired of criminal background checks. I have been through at least three of them in the past couple of months whilst looking for a job. It is kind of insulting after awhile. I mean really, come on, I am the squarest of the square law-abiding citizens. I don't look like the bank robber, or child molesting type. So is this all really necessary?
I was feeling pretty picked on this week after having to be fingerprinted yet again. Then a couple of bittersweet and kinda funny memories flashed through my head. Yes I am a pretty square person but... I have been threatened with arrest (for valid reasons) twice in my life. My family can probably remember the first time. But I don't think anybody knows about the second time. To fill in those readers not familiar with my childhood, I got in a fight my senior year in high school. Not my finest moment, and I regret it every time I think about it, so we are not going to dwell on that here. But that was possible arrest numero uno.
The second time is a little more random. It was for vandalism at a National Park. I think I should add here that I have the highest respect for State and National Parks and don't even pick the flowers when visiting. This vandalism was somewhat unintentional, or rather I just didn't think it was a bad thing at the time.
A short time after dropping out of college at the ripe old age of 18, I moved down to Bryce Canyon National Park to work as a groundskeeper for the summer. There I met an interesting young man who would later become my first boyfriend. I was really into camouflage, Aerosmith, and survivalist skills at the time and he was a former Army Ranger and quite skilled at martial arts. Wow. One day after work he decided to teach me how to throw knives. I have always wanted to know how to throw knives. (Although I did learn, I have since forgotten and so will be unable to pass the skill on to my child. Too bad.) We used the post holding up my cabin porch as a target. It was large, soft-wooded and made a nice thunk when you hit it. It never even occurred to us that we might get in trouble for making large gouge marks in it.
A couple days later we were separately called in to the head boss's office. I got a nice 'talk' about the seriousness of what I had done, and then he started talking about how I could be arrested for it. Blah blah blah was about all I heard though. I did however have to sign an warning stating that I understood what had happened and if it happened again I would be fired and arrested.
It was so worth it.
And that is how I was threatened with arrest, twice in one year, actually. Looking back I wonder if the administration was maybe more afraid of the idea that we were throwing knives around a fairly populated place, rather than that we had vandalised a government owned wooden post.
I have since bequeathed my camo jacket to Andrew, who very much appreciated it, and most of my knives to other brothers. But I still have my twelve inch bayonet knife. Its my favorite. I use it to open boxes.