The Yin The Yang and the Me

Anyone who has lived with me for more than five minutes can tell you I have always been very impulsive. I get an idea and it just completely consumes me whether its craving a Little Debbie valentine cake with mountain dew on the side at 9 o'clock at night (thank you to Jay for fulfilling that need Tuesday night)or wanting to move 40 miles away, closer to Portland. I don't have a lot of patience when it comes to waiting for things. My mom told me once "when you want something, you want it yesterday" Too true.

My life has been a constant blur of change for the past 10 years, major moves on an average of every six months, in and out of college, getting married, having a child, job layoffs, nervous breakdown, health problems, yada yada.

It's only been in the past few months that I've realized an important fact about myself: I love change, and crave it, but change can also be an incredibly destructive thing for me. (See job layoffs, nervous breakdown, etc above). It's kind of a yin yang thing I suppose, but my yang has typically overpowered my yin and that's just not healthy.

So this year I am focusing on balance. The Chinese theory of Yin and Yang is all about balance and I think they are onto something. I've never been one for moderation, and lately I've been seeing that as a big character flaw and something I want to work on.

On the other hand, I see my spontaneity as a key component of who I am- but I have to keep it in moderation or bad things can happen.

Anyway, back to balance and yin and yang. I am trying really hard for small changes in order to satisfy my restless feelings, and working on a steady routine to give me a sense of security- this sense of security and knowing what I will be doing down the road really helps me through particularly tough episodes of depression.

So my family might walk in the door one evening to see the living room completely rearranged, or my hair a different color, but hopefully we won't be changing jobs or moving anytime soon. I am finding that doing little things like that, or maybe just trying to develop a new talent like sewing can do a lot to make me feel like a new person.

I am trying really hard to stick to one project at a time, and have a fairly steady routine. If I have a routine most days, the days when I say "screw the schedule" are that much more fun. Starting a new knitting project or renovating idea is really exciting, but finishing one, and being proud of my work is also quite thrilling.

FYI- I don't think I've kept a job for more than a year. I am just starting year 2 of my current transcribing job, gotten a substantial pay raise (something you don't see when you only work in places for a year tops) and still really like my work.

We've lived in this townhome for 2 years now, and every year we discuss moving somewhere cheaper, closer to work, etc, but in the end, here we are still.

Jay and I have been married for 5 years this May. Really, I think that is the longest I've stuck with anything. It's kind of surprising when I think about that way. It's not that I didn't expect to be married to him for this long- when I married Jay, I had every intention of growing old together. And yes, about once every year or so I seriously reconsider my marriage vows for a day or so. But except for those angry days, I constantly think about how lucky I am to have Jay and how much he puts up with my craziness, and how grateful I am to have someone willing to partake in adventure with me, but also able to keep me steady.

"Balance Grasshopper....

I think most of us know that balance is an essential part of life. If you are going to stand on a tiny beam stretching across a mud pile with one foot tucked beneath your bum, it would be a good idea to hold your arms out."

I am more likely to just jump in the mud to see what it feels like.